keywords: setting boundaries at work, workplace boundaries, boundaries in the workplace, workplace culture
We learned boundaries at a young age. Our parents, caregivers, and teachers taught us socially acceptable behaviors. As we got older we experienced different and more complex social interactions. We also noticed behaviors that made us uncomfortable or upset. Jacobson (2021) constructed an article about teaching children how to set boundaries. Although most of us reading this are not children, there is a chance we would benefit from relearning how to set boundaries the right way.
The concept of boundaries stems from our social and collective identity, further supported by the social identity theory. Social identity theory focuses on the permeability of the symbolic and social boundaries and how they impact people and societies (Lamont & Molnar, 2002). As a method of self-comparison, people tend to label others based on traits, judging and stereotyping one another. The behaviors people within a group depend on perceived differences in others’ statuses. People, as a generalization, try to create and maintain a positive image of themselves amongst group members to be accepted. So, if you don’t like John Doe, your colleague, but you’re still nice to him and invite him to social engagements, not to fret. There is a reason for your madness. You don’t want to ruffle any feathers in your workplace. Your workplace is one environment that shapes your social and collective identity, so you try to play nicely.
But what if you didn’t have to invite Bob to social engagements? What if you didn’t have to work 60 hours per work and had an actual work-life balance? What if you didn’t have to answer emails at 9 pm?
Everyone needs to set boundaries in the workplace. Boundaries help people feel safe and secure. They are based on individual standards for individuals to express what they need and what they don’t want or like. They are an extension of your preferences, desires, limits, and deal breakers (Cole, 2021). Boundaries can be physical, material, mental, or emotional. They can also be a combination of all four types of boundaries.
Types of Boundaries
There are many different types of boundaries. For the purpose of this article, we will discuss four specific and relevant boundaries and how they apply to the workplace (Cole, 2021).
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries refer to your body. This includes your preference of touch and personal space. That means you might prefer high-fives over hugs. You might also prefer no touch. Another example is that you might feel uncomfortable when someone stands too close to you when speaking with you. Your workplace should have clear harassment prevention policies in place, so it is important to remember that you and people you work with must follow those policies, in addition to your boundaries. You should have an abundance of resources and support in your organization in case you need help navigating these policies and if any are violated.
Material Boundaries
You set the boundaries for others’ access to your material possessions. This includes your work station/desk, electronics, and personal items. You decide who can touch, borrow, or use your material possessions and when and why. Colleagues borrowing your office supplies and not returning them or colleagues using your desk and leaving a mess are examples of material boundary violations.
Mental Boundaries
Your thoughts, values, ideas, and opinions are created by you and belong only to you. Knowing your values and things that are important to you at your human core are critical. This includes engaging in healthy and safe dialogue with others by maintaining an open mind even if you disagree with someone. However, behaviors from others that include making demands of you, disrespecting your values, disregarding your beliefs, or creating a general loss of psychological safety are examples of mental boundary violations.
Emotional Boundaries
Only you can control your emotions. Having emotional boundaries can save you from giving or receiving unexpected and unwelcomed criticism or advice. They also safeguard you from becoming defensive or combative, taking things personally, shifting the responsibility of how you feel onto others and also from others blaming you for how they feel. Emotional boundaries are violated when someone invalidates your feelings, tells you how to feel or should feel, or asks intrusive questions.
Why do We Have Trouble Setting Boundaries?
Dysfunctional boundary behavior patterns rear their ugly head every day (Cole, 2021). There are a few common boundary issues and reasons behind them, as outlined by Cole (2021). Saying yes to people when you want to say no; inconveniencing yourself for others; avoiding difficult conversations with friends regarding their bad behaviors; engaging in passive aggressive behavior when you’re upset; and being self-sufficient or independent and refusing help to a detrimental extreme are all examples of boundary issues.
If you have a tendency to say yes even when you want to say no then odds are your response is an automatic response, which is a reaction behavior instead of a well thought out response (Cole, 2021). The desire to say yes or accept an invitation comes from the desire to please others and not let them down or make them feel rejected. An example is agreeing to help your colleague on their project that takes you away from completing your projects on time. You can stop this behavior by practicing placing a pause before you respond to requests. You are not being timed on your response. If you need more time to think about it then let the person know that. Allowing yourself more time to think can help you consider what you want and how you feel.
Inconveniencing yourself or giving too much/overextending yourself is also a boundary issue. An example in the workplace is volunteering to do more work than you can handle or offering to stay late to finish a project even though you made plans after work and have to cancel as a result of staying later. Cole (2021) believes this behavior is a result of the way we were raised or taught by others. We might have been taught that putting others needs before our own or volunteering outside of our capacity was a sign of selflessness, generosity and kindness. This is not the case. A good place to start is to ask yourself if you are giving from a place of love or a place of fear (Cole, 2021). Giving from a place of fear can only work for so long and can lead to feelings of emptiness, anger, and resentment.
Rejecting help or avoiding asking for help are signs of boundary issues and can leave you doing everything on your own and and can lead to burnout. This creates more work and unnecessary stress. It also makes others feel incapable and not needed in your life. It is essential to ask yourself why you won’t accept help or ask for it and what about it scares you. For many people, the reason is to maintain control. There is a possibility that you don’t want to inconvenience others, be indebted to them, or be vulnerable with someone because they might view you as weak. Raising your awareness when you decline help or avoid asking for help can help you recognize opportunities to allow people to add value to your life (Cole, 2021).
Some of us excuse bad behaviors of our own and others. We tell ourselves a story. An example is telling yourself that it’s okay to neglect your projects to help your colleague, who comes in late everyday and leaves work early because they have a bad situation at home, with their projects. You might feel obligated to help them because they helped you on a project when you really needed the help. Accepting this story is a way of avoiding conflict or confrontation, but conflict and confrontation are necessary in shaping how you communicate your boundaries and that it is okay to say no.
Empathy
Before we dive in, there is a factor that needs to be addressed. It is a key factor that contributes to setting boundaries the right way. Clinical psychologist, Mandi Silverman, stated that empathy is not exclusive to being an adult. Most children, by the age of 3, will show empathy. Children learn by seeing behaviors and then they model them. That means if you didn’t have an individual in your life that you observed setting healthy boundaries or that taught you how to set boundaries then chances are you have struggled setting them on your own.
If you aren’t sure where to start, a good place is within. It is important that you practice self-compassion and empathy. Take it easy on yourself. Growing up without a good mentor is not your fault. What is important is that you recognize your values and the importance of learning to set your boundaries. Take a moment to consider behaviors by others that have made you uncomfortable, but you didn’t make that known to them. If it helps, write those down. Then, write down what you wish that person would have done or not done instead. Do your values align with the behaviors you’ve experienced from individuals throughout your life? If not, you would benefit from learning how to set boundaries.
Who Qualifies as a Good Mentor?
A good mentor has the empathy, skills, and capacity to create psychological safety for you explore and discuss your values and practice setting boundaries. A good mentor can be a trusted friend, family member, coach, therapist, manager, colleague, or partner.
A bad mentor can slow down your progress, which is a giant disservice to you. It is essential to spend some time thinking about the people in your life that you look up to and really trust. It can also help to write down some reasons why you trust those people. They should be someone who models empathy and self-awareness. In essence, they practice what they preach.
A good mentor should teach you how to advocate for yourself. They should also help you develop a plan for different scenarios, especially if your boundaries are ever violated. A mentor will walk you through a scenario, create a strong dialogue for you to follow, and practice that dialogue with you. Practicing setting and reinforcing boundaries can help you get more comfortable for real scenarios (Jacobson, 2021).
There are also excellent resources for setting boundaries. Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free, written by psychotherapist Terri Cole, is among our favorite. Additionally, countless TED Talks, blog articles, LinkedIn posts, essays, research studies, and podcasts are available and free to anyone. So, if you don’t have a person in mind to fill the mentor role at this time, several resources can point you in the right direction and get you started.
What are Some of the Main Situations Where Boundaries are Important?
keywords: office boundaries, how to set boundaries at work, setting work boundaries
Boundaries are necessary to maintain a healthy work environment. Setting boundaries with colleagues, clients, and managers will help you stay focused and productive at work. More importantly, they will make you happier because you can live your life the way you want to live it.
Setting boundaries for yourself and your colleagues is necessary for effective team members. It’s important to understand that boundaries are not only about what you can’t do but also about what you can do.
The first step to setting boundaries is understanding your values and the trade-offs you’re willing to make to hold on to them.
Scenario #1
Your colleague likes to stop by your desk several times per day to chat. Although you enjoy exchanging dialogue with your colleague, you are getting behind on your work. You feel guilty telling your colleague to leave, so you allow them to keep stopping by to distract you.
How is that serving you? It’s not. You do not owe anyone your time or energy. It is important to note that your colleague likely has no ill will towards you getting your work done. They likely enjoy your company and talking with you. You create a safe space for them and they trust you to listen. However, you are not unkind for telling them you have work to do and cannot afford the interruption.
It is important to deliver this message with grace by letting your colleague know why you can’t afford the interruption and, if you have time, you will catch up with them later. If they get upset, that is outside of your control. You cannot control how people ultimately interpret your message or how it makes them feel. You can control how you deliver your message and set your boundaries. Once done, you must stick to your boundaries. It is not guaranteed that your colleague will understand that you have set a new boundary, which will require reinforcement on your part.
Scenario #2
Your manager prefers to get their tasks done after the office closes in the evening. They email you for information they need to get their tasks done and expect a response from you. You are occupied in the evenings and unavailable. However, your work for your manager keeps you up late and forces you to cancel personal commitments.
Enabling your manager is doing you a major disservice. It might feel like you’re helping, but at what cost? What are you sacrificing? Your manager’s preference for doing tasks in the evening is their prerogative. Responding to their emails is your prerogative, but also understand that you have a choice.
How to Set Boundaries for Yourself and Your Colleagues
keywords: managing boundaries at work, setting personal boundaries
What are you sacrificing by allowing someone to violate your values? You lose time that you could have spent working on a project, so you work late at the office; you miss out on opportunities because you were occupied; you miss important events or time with friends and family. Let’s highlight that most people don’t realize they violate your values or boundaries. Communication is the only way to let them know.
Let’s come back to our scenarios.
Scenario #1
“Hey [colleague], I enjoy talking with you. I just can’t take chat breaks. I have so much to do, and I get distracted easily, which puts me even more behind.”
Scenario #2
“Hey [manager], I have a lot going on after the office closes. When I get your email requests for information, they keep me from the commitments that are really important to me. How can we create a way for you to get your information during office hours, so we can both achieve the things we need?”
How to Handle a Conflict When Someone Violates Your Boundary
keywords: personal boundary violations, boundary violation cases
Boundaries are essential in any relationship. They define what is acceptable and what is not. When someone violates your boundaries, it can be challenging to handle.
The first step is to recognize the boundary violation. It may be physical, emotional, or verbal. Whether or not, when they violated your boundary, there was the intention behind the action or an honest mistake, it still needs to be addressed. Finally, you need to decide what you want to do about it, whether that means calling out the violation or setting more boundaries of your own.
Scenario #1
You’ve set your boundary, but your colleague continues to come by your office. You let them know that they are a distraction and that you have work to get done.
“Hey [colleague], I mentioned that I don’t have the time to chat throughout the day. I have a lot of work to do. It is important to me that I get this work done without distractions.”
Scenario #2
You’ve set your boundary, but your manager continues to send emails after the office closes asking you for information. They become upset when you do not respond until the following day.
“Hey [manager], we agreed that I could send you the information you need the next morning. I am still getting requests from you for information after the office closes. It is important that I get personal things done after work and go to bed at a reasonable time. It is also important to me that you receive your information. I am happy to help in any way that I can within office hours. I am not available in the evenings. What can we do to ensure we are both getting what we need?”
How to Respect Others’ Boundaries
Not only do we have our values and boundaries, but so do other people. This is also where empathy comes in. Boundaries are reciprocal. Some behaviors might align with your values, but they might violate others’ boundaries. It is important to really listen when people discuss behaviors that make them uncomfortable. They are communicating their boundaries and it is critical to take those in and remember them. A violation of someone’s boundaries can be perceived as a violation of their trust. They might also lack the skills to communicate when you violate their boundaries.
Jacobson (2021) makes a point to mention embracing diversity. Interacting with people who are different than you and have different thoughts and ideas and come from different cultures and walks of life can help instill empathy and increase your understanding of the foundation of their boundaries. This can also help you frame how to set psychological safety for others.
Conclusion of Setting Boundaries in the Workplace
keywords: concluding points on setting boundaries at work
Setting boundaries in the workplace is essential to ensure that you are not overextending yourself. Reinforcing those boundaries is just as important. It is also important to be able to say no, when necessary. Setting boundaries in the workplace will help you maintain a healthy work-life balance and prevent burnout.
Boundaries help people set limits on their behavior, which helps them stay focused and avoid distractions. Setting boundaries also helps people decide how they want to spend their time at work. People can spend their time on tasks that they enjoy and find meaningful, rather than doing tasks that they don’t like or find meaningful.
Having and maintaining boundaries in the workplace is important for everyone. Whether you are a manager or an employee, you need to know what your boundaries are and what is expected of you. It’s important to have a clear understanding of what you are willing to do and what you aren’t. This makes it easier for your employer to understand how they can utilize your skillset and also helps them understand what they need to provide for you.